Hey kiddo. I finally met that little girl! You know, the sweet nugget of joy who arrived right before you left on July 2, 2018. I know a lot is cloudy about that time because I was trying to take in every moment of your being alive while simultaneously encouraging you that it was okay …
Category Archives: Uncategorized
Hail
“I’m going to wait outside for the hospice nurse,” I stated to my son. He acknowledged with a slight nod of his head, leading me to believe that he was not really entirely present in our world, but understood that I’d be leaving temporarily. A minute to us probably seemed like an eternity to him. …
Expired
I took great care in cleaning out the refrigerator on Saturday. You know, removing drawers, wiping down surfaces and wrangling the fragments of dehydrated carrot that always seems to find its way to the weirdest place in the fridge. Honestly, I kinda identify with this carrot. I don’t usually belong where I am but I …
road trip
Ben and I spent a significant amount of time traveling together, getting from point a to point b for some sort of treatment for most of his life. Sometimes that trip was a couple of miles from home, sometimes it was across the country. He generally sat to my right and I’m just now getting …
sorting through thoughts
If I stay quiet enough, I can hear the clanging of the mini rectangle of plastic against metal – a mini Nintendo game you never got a chance to play. It was hanging from your desk lamp and positioned right by your bed for when you woke up and saw that it had finally arrived …
Processing…
I was laying next to Ben’s body, gently embracing him, when Maddy rushed in to room 115 of the hospice facility, absolutely shattered to find that her brother had died and that she hadn’t been there. Her face twisted in pain with tears flowing and words choking out “I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’m sorry I …
New York City
I started writing this last month on 9/11 but lost my energy… sorry if it feels disjointed. Seventeen years ago today, I was relishing the tail-end of my maternity leave when terrorists attacked America. I was laying in bed gazing adoringly at my three-month-old son when a phone call from Matt encouraged me to turn …
My Darling Ben, We couldn’t get you comfortable at home. You didn’t have many lucid moments past Sunday morning when the hospice nurse increased your morphine for the fourth day in a row. You started sleeping more. But what we were doing at home wasn’t enough. It all moved so fast. Your sweet face was …
I’ve been crouched down on my knees for so long that I can’t remember if I was looking for something or praying. Maybe it was a little of both. But my knees are bleeding from being down here so long, and, since I am days away from turning 50, I’m willing to accept the fact …
breathtaking
During the summer of 2000 I found myself on the island of Grand Cayman taking a two-week certification course for scuba diving. I was 30 years old and “highly” stressed out. Oh, my life was full of woe back then, for I had just completed my MBA at the University of Denver and had to …
Stronger Than I Look 