Down Dog

You might have heard that our beloved Yoshi – a completely adorable, yet ridiculously unintelligent dog – died this past April after a run-in with some raspberry flavored IceBreakers sugar-free gum. I had no idea that the Xylitol featured in this sort of gum was toxic to dogs and would most likely result in liver failure – and such is the demise that sweet Yoshi met after eating an entire container of the stuff. It broke my heart to hold my sweet doggy in my arms as he peacefully drifted off to his Rainbow Bridge or Valhalla or wherever less-intelligent dogs may go when their earthly life ends. And I thought to myself that I would never be ready for another dog. Ever. He was just that awesome.

So, three weeks later as we were walking into PetCo to get food for the other members of the pet squad, we had to pass by a long line of cages holding adorable foster puppies looking for their forever home. I lowered my gaze so I wouldn’t have to make eye contact with their big brown puppy eyes, knowing that some other sucker would come along shortly to offer them a loving environment. As I was putting my hand up to the side of my face to act as a blinder to save me from their terminal cuteness, I heard someone call out my name. It was my wonderful yoga friend, Becky, and damn if she wasn’t holding one of these adorable puppies. She had been fostering puppies for an out-of-state rescue group and was very effective at her job. She twisted my arm and MADE me hold a puppy.

I want the record to show that it was completely against my will.

Needless to say, an hour later, we had a new dog. Ben decided on the name “Cody,” after our favorite NHL player, Cody McLeod. Puppy Cody is sooooo cute and has a shocking number of similarities to our dearly departed Yoshi, including his lack of intelligence.

Spring morphed into summer. Cody worked diligently on things like finding corners to pee in, torturing his chihuahua companion who wanted absolutely nothing to do with him, and taking over Yoshi’s former pastime of trying to mount the cats – cats that were still in possession of their claws. Despite their attempts to dig his eyes out, Cody never quite got the hint. He proudly displayed his lack of intelligence, just like Yoshi did.

So when it came time for me to pick the kids up from Camp Wapiyapi, (www.wapiyapi.org – look it up, it’s AMAZING!) my heart sunk a little because it was tradition for me to take Yoshi along for the ride. He LOVED car rides, especially when it resulted in reuniting with his favorite Ben and Madeline after a week’s absence. The camp the kiddos go to is in Estes Park, about two hours from Denver. I quickly remembered that we had a new puppy who would probably LOVE to take a car ride with me! I loaded him up in the front seat with a blanket to sit on and off we went.

About 10 miles into the trip, I got on the interstate. Up until that time, Cody had been content sitting shotgun, but once we hit the highway, it became a different story. I’m not sure if he was freaked out by the sound of the road or what, but he started whining. I tried to soothe him with loving scratches behind the ears and lulling him with my lowered voice with words like “it’s ok, puppy. Just relax, Cody.” but he wasn’t having it. He crawled up between the headrest and my neck, desperately searching for safety. He sat there for a couple of minutes, incessantly making the most pitiful noise I’ve ever heard.

And that’s when the drooling started.

Within moments, the back of my neck, my shoulder and arm were covered with puppy drool. For those of you who know me, you know I can handle blood. I can even handle poop. But the one reason I could absolutely positively NEVER EVER be a nurse is because I. cannot. handle. vomit/bile/drool. And I have a very sensitive gag reflex when it comes to such things. So, as I looked like a cat trying desperately to dislodge a hairball from my throat with a dog stuck behind my neck drooling all over me, I knew it was time to pull over. I moved Cody back to his blanket. I regained composure and considered turning around to take Cody back home, but knew that would be too time consuming. I had to pick up the kids by a certain time, turning back now would make me incredibly late.

We got back on the road. The whining picked up where he had left off and the drooling increased. I patted the top of his head, trying to soothe him but also trying like crazy to avoid the drool. It went on like that for miles. He would lift his cute little puppy head off the blanket only to leave a disgusting line of drool hanging from his mouth. It was repugnant. Shuddering with disgust and trying hard to not puke, I pulled off the highway and onto the mountain road that leads to the camp. For a few moments, Cody relaxed. He stopped whining. I thought that it was, indeed, the noise of the interstate that had him so worked up. Whew. Safe at last.

As I was mentally mapping out a route home that would avoid all highways, I had to veer into the oncoming lane to avoid a bicyclist. I’m all for exercising but I believe the act of bicycling up a mountain road at seven in the morning is a bit show-off-y. Of course, as I passed the mid-line of the road, the rumble strips meant to alert you as you’re steering off course scared the ever-loving hooey out of Cody. He howled as we crossed over the line, again and again, as the amount of crazy bicyclists increased as we traveled further into the mountains.

I apologized repeatedly as we passed yet another bicyclist. And another. And another… “I’m sorry, I’m sorry puppy, I’m so sorry,” I placated as he continued to howl and drool each time we passed over the rumble strip. He constantly changed positions. At one point, he was upside down with his head hanging backwards over the seat. It reminded me of this one time in college – after experiencing what one bar called “bucket night” – the evil effects that alcohol could have on a fresh-faced kid like me. Maybe if I lay down with one leg up in the air, I won’t feel nauseous? Or if I hold on to the chair rail, the room won’t spin as fast? Please, baby Jesus, please let this pass. I will never drink again. Ever. I imagined this was what Cody was doing as he continued to drool and howl at the inhumanity of it all.

After two hours of his howling and drooling, we arrived at the beautiful location nestled in the mountains. Cody leapt out of the vehicle and ran towards the first person he saw, probably thinking that someone would save him from the insanity he just endured. The moment the kids at camp saw him, the Oooohs and Aaaaahs started… “Ohhhh! what a cute puppy,” and “Can I pet him?” until he got near them and they discovered that he was soaked from all the drool. The ooohs and aaaahs quickly turned to ew, gross, as a completely gooey dog tried desperately to jump into someone else’s arms.

We said our goodbyes and loaded back into the vehicle, Ben and Mad snuggled Cody between them on a new, less drooly, blanket. I think he passed out from the stress of it all since he didn’t make a peep the entire way home.

And he hasn’t been on a road trip since. I don’t think he ever will again.

Moral of the story: Don’t be a showoff and ride your bike in the mountains. Just kidding. However, do make sure your dog can handle the car before taking him for a four hour ride. I’m sure my car will never recover from all the drool. And neither will I.