overwhelmed

I hate when I just sit here on the couch completely incapable of doing anything at all. I don’t have the kids today and I just bet that I’m going to sit here all day and do nothing. I’m completely overwhelmed.

It looks like it’s going to be a beautiful day outside… I could go do something. I could take a drive or hang out at the pool or continue to sit here on the couch and do nothing. For whatever reason, I cannot get motivated unless I absolutely HAVE to do something. And since I know I have to rally to help Ben fight cancer again, I guess there’s nothing wrong with taking a day to sit on my couch. Alright, I confess. ANOTHER day. I’ve already had a few days of doing nothing since learning of his relapse on the 16th.

Okay, here’s something that’s bothering me. Someone posted a picture on Facebook of their dead child being taken away in what I assume to be a funeral home’s van. This child died of cancer. I understand that there must be immeasurable grief. I cannot imagine what they must be going through. My heart aches for them and screams at the unfairness of it all. We all have to get our grief out somehow.

But posting a picture? I’m all for raising awareness. And this is an unbelievably tragic situation. WE NEED HELP. The picture was powerful but I just wasn’t in a position to see that. I wasn’t mentally ready to see that because it’s my absolute worst fear. Then it made me wonder: how many people truly care? I know when Ben relapsed the first time, many people rallied around and supported my family. But I learned through a friend that someone I considered to be a friend actually stated “We KNOW he has cancer. We’re all kinda tired of hearing about it all the time.” My feelings were hurt and, of course, I never confronted that person to see if that statement was truly how they felt, but I thought that I should be more guarded in what I share. Most people are genuinely interested in knowing how Ben is doing. But I imagine there ARE some people who get overwhelmed with the information I share. It is heartbreaking. And I understand that many people have a lot of other crap going on. But this is my life and how I’m living it. My son has cancer. That consumes nearly every moment of my day – and has for a long time. My writing about it is my outlet. And since Ben has relapsed, I’ve been inundated with friend requests, mostly from concerned people who want to support us and people in the same battle we are. But, in a strange twist of events, I’m not sure I’m ready to be friends with so many people fighting the same battle. My head can’t wrap around the sadness of all these dying children who are losing their battles. It’s not that I don’t care, I just don’t think I can handle any more.

And seeing how I got my feelings hurt when this “friend” told someone else that they were tired of hearing about Ben’s illness, I hate to think I’m hurting someone else’s feelings because I cannot deal with their sadness right now. I guess I should give myself some grace. I can’t fight everyone’s battle. I can only fight the one in front of me.

So, a crusader I’m not. I’m not going to change the world and encourage everyone to get out there and find a cure. I can only focus on the challenge right in front of me. My darling son. I hope you’re with me and along for the journey. I’m sorry it’s all I talk about. Trust me, I’d rather be doing something else myself.

But for now, I’m going to sit on this couch and be totally overwhelmed.

16 thoughts on “overwhelmed”

  1. Your words were my thoughts just a few years back. If you decide you want to get out today we’d love to share our couch – it’s actually available any day you want 🙂

    It’s unfathomable to me that a ‘friend’ would say that. I’m sorry you have to even contemplate that anyone else would think that but if they do then that’s on them. I’m glad you share. You’ve given me strength on days I had none and shown me how not to give up.

    You’re doing it right ((hugs))

  2. But I’m asking so many others to help me stay afloat… I’m absolutely conflicted. I can’t help anyone else right now… I feel like a “Help Hog.” All I’ve done over the last nine years is take. I have nothing to give. And that makes me feel like crap.

  3. Bullsh*t! You give a ton, love and support and a shoulder which absorbs tears quite nicely, lots of laughs, subtle questions which can jog perspective… it just seems one-sided because you are overwhelmed and currently sans children. You give when you can

  4. Sarah you are so amazing. You are living and fighting this horrible disease 24/7. We want you to let us know everything that is going on and what you need. We think about you guys all the time and pray for an answer. Please never think you aren’t giving anything. You make me laugh and make me want to be stronger. We are always here helping you fight and stay afloat. XO

  5. Sarah, you have every right to post your feelings, what is going on with you, Ben, and Maddy. Vent, yell, scream,cry, laugh, write. It makes me sad that a “friend” said what they said, but please know that you are not a burden, or a “help hog”. You are a wonderful mother, friend, and you have more on your plate than any human being should have to endure. You are so strong, and have face this monster head on for a long time. I’m here for you if you need anything. Even if it is to vent. You guys are all in my prayers. Love you lots. Hug the kiddos for me. You give more than you will ever know. <3

  6. Sarah, please don’t let anyone like that hurt you. Those of you who truly love you, are, and have been riding this rollercoaster WITH you. Have been, since day one. Holding your hand, crying with you. Feeling your outrage, and also the moments of triumph you’ve experienced! Also laughing with you. You have one of the most amazing spirits, and your ability to laugh at the stupidity of life is precious and endearing! Please, please stay afloat, and keep sharing your thoughts!! I love you!

  7. I am here to support you in your journey just signed up recently. I have no sick children mine are all grown but i enjoy getting your post. I am here to laugh cry and stop my feet at all the peaks and valleys. If someone cant understand that they need to move on and delete themselves from your life.

  8. I so agree! .You are loved. i can only imagine the depth of your pain. I know you are hurting..thats all I need to know. You don’t need to justify anything..just be. We see you..You post everyday if you need to..rage if you want on here. Those that love..understand. I cant imagine why anyone would ever have a problem with a caring parent sharing about a child’s struggle with cancer. What an insensitive twat-bag! You are beyond awesome..believe that!! Xo!

  9. Sarah, you should have come over today. I was just doing errands. We would have loved to have had you.
    I agree with those who have said you are also a giver. You bring smiles to those of us who read your posts and blogs.
    We were not created to be alone. We’re supposed to be there for each other. I’m so glad you share you’re real feelings. We live in a world where many wear masks. Thank you for being genuine.
    Love to you friend…

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