I don’t know how this could have happened. I’ve been under the impression that deodorant was spelled deoderant. I know how odor is spelled. I wouldn’t spell it oder. But damn if I haven’t been spelling it wrong for, well, forever. I pride myself on my ability to spell. I’m not always grammatically correct but I am pretty confident in my spelling capabilities. This just throws me into a flipping tailspin.
None of this matters, of course, but when you have one of those “a-ha!” moments you just kinda have to go with it. I’m searching for more clarity in my world of chaos… I’m anxiously awaiting that “a-ha!” moment where it all makes sense. I’m sad to say that it remains to be elusive – whatever “it” may be. I AM searching though. Calling its name like I would call out for a lost dog in the woods. My echoey voice bouncing off nothing but the chirp of a lone cricket.
I’m overwhelmed. And on top of it all, I’m dumbfounded over what I’ve declared a “spelling crisis.” Not only am I in a state of emergency, but apparently things are tough all over. Being a resident of the Front Range I’ve received a couple of emails lately – from my student loan carrier and my cell service – stating that due to the impact of the recent floods I’ll be granted some leniency on taking care of business. Overage charges will be forgiven and I get three months to sort out my student loan. I’m never paying that loan back, anyway. And when they come hunting me down, I’ll let them know that their claim has been denied due to an Act of God. I had no control over cancer’s destructive path, I should be exempt from those consequences.
None of this matters, though. I’m just trying to take my mind off of scans. Ben is currently at the hospital going through the every-other-month scanning gig to see what cancer may or may not be up to. Let’s hope cancer has jumped ship. Perhaps it could attack a politician instead? After all, with the recent government shutdown, they don’t have anything better to do AND they retain their benefits and pay. They are well-poised to get cancer. The rest of us have to suffer through without proper assistance. Maybe then something would happen about the cancer epidemic? In reality, though, I cannot wish cancer on anyone. Not even a politician.
I’m mad. I’m sad. I’m scared. I’m anxious. But I try to counteract that with finding the joy. Showing a lot of love. Smiling at the beautifully simple moments. Laughing until I cry. This life keeps trying to drag me down. Sure, I make poor choices from time to time, but overall I believe that life has been unfair to me and my children. But life isn’t fair, is it? And while there are countless turds who believe they can keep on knocking me down and scaring me into submission, they can piss off. I’ll keep fighting even though I’m exhausted.
Besides, I’m wearing some pretty strong deoderant. I can repel that nonsense.