Bad Mood Mom

I’m focusing on the wrong things right now. I thinking about a “friend” who let me down – this cancer business was just too much for her so she “gracefully” bowed out of my life. I’m thinking about another person who doesn’t want to subject her children to my son because she doesn’t think they deserve to have their happiness interrupted by knowing someone who might die. These people are so self absorbed. And I want to punch them in the face.

But I have to remember that there are people who don’t even know us who care. People who show up out of nowhere to love us. These other idiots, I just have to let them go. Doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt a whole real lot.

And I have to understand that those people willingly cutting themselves off from knowing Ben are the real losers. Ben is so precious. He always has something wonderful to say – except for the occasional tantrum directed at his sister 🙂 He’s a wonderful and loving child. And I truly believe that he could teach those poopy heads a lesson or two about how to treat people. It’s going to be hard to teach him that there are just some people out there who cannot navigate life as well as he can. He would never willingly hurt another person.

I think what pisses me off most is the fact that he probably won’t live as long as these other assholes. This hideous world needs beautiful people like him. And you can tell me all day long about Heaven and what a beautiful place it is and how happy he’ll be and blah, blah, blah. It doesn’t make me feel better. I want to keep him. I can’t do without him. I shouldn’t have to do without him. I don’t want him to leave and I have to wait on this earth with all these assholes until it’s time for me to meet him again in Heaven. If I get to go, that is. And if it exists.

I am so mad today. I am so angry. I hate watching Ben lying there, unable to get out of bed. He’s so tired. So pale. So weak. And knowing that he’s set for another round of chemo in six days that is going to make this all harder for him. He doesn’t deserve this. WHERE ARE YOU, GOD??? WHERE ARE YOU?

Where the hell are You?





Join the Conversation


  1. Don’t let anyone tell you not to be angry…and punch the next person in the throat who talks to you about heaven. I’m sure they mean well…but they’re saying that for themselves because they don’t know what else to say. They just need to listen and let you be angry when you’re angry, happy when your happy and supportive all the way through. Sending you light and love through all your emotions.


  2. oh, honey I’m sorry you and your family have to go thru this. And, you are so better off without those people in your life that don’t want to be there for you. It is sad they shelter their kids. And, God is there…always there. I don’t know what His great plan is, but He will give you comfort. ❤


  3. You know how I feel about religion.. I personally don’t want to spend eternity with a bunch of self righteous assholes! So I may not think like most other from my heart..thank you for being my friend and making my world a funnier..more real place. You and your kids have shown me the beauty of family and fighting for this life. You have given me more insight into humanity than any preacher I have ever known. It does hurt to lose friends:( But keep walking..with your head held high. You are so golden…a breathe of fresh air in this world. Love you!


  4. Anger is a necessary emotion. Your little Ben sounds like one in a million. Life is not fair for certain, one more why does this happen on my list for God to answer. Your strength, courage and power of the pen is awe inspiring me. Watching our children fight for their lives is more than anyone not in our shoes can truly comprehend. You need to surround Ben, yourself and daughter with loving, supportive people, anyone else is dead weight and total waste of you time, energy and heart. Why me, anger, denial all normal emotions, let them out girl, you need to purge these often to remain strong and sane! You are that little mans rock from where I sit! His heart knows no limits and could teach most of mankind a thing or two! So so sorry things are so unfair, hell on earth for you right now. Sending you hugs from Ohio, filled with endless hope Ben and your little family!


  5. Even though we are so far away, I am blessed to have connected with you and spent amazing time (ok….almost getting kicked out of the Ronald) getting to know you, Ben and Madzilla. I will find and kick the snot out of any d-bag that messes with you and/or Ben. I know where you live….and know your garage code! Don’t mess with my Ben and his sweet mommy. All I have to say ’bout that


  6. We deal with challenges in different ways, some can handle them head-on, others, not so well. Forget them. Thank goodness for facebook friends, the internet and your daily updates, because I know that place could be so lonely, and your situation so deplorable, but I think of you often, and wish for strength and peace in your heart –always. I hope this could help a little to ease some pain away.


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