overwhelmed

I hate when I just sit here on the couch completely incapable of doing anything at all. I don’t have the kids today and I just bet that I’m going to sit here all day and do nothing. I’m completely overwhelmed.

It looks like it’s going to be a beautiful day outside… I could go do something. I could take a drive or hang out at the pool or continue to sit here on the couch and do nothing. For whatever reason, I cannot get motivated unless I absolutely HAVE to do something. And since I know I have to rally to help Ben fight cancer again, I guess there’s nothing wrong with taking a day to sit on my couch. Alright, I confess. ANOTHER day. I’ve already had a few days of doing nothing since learning of his relapse on the 16th.

Okay, here’s something that’s bothering me. Someone posted a picture on Facebook of their dead child being taken away in what I assume to be a funeral home’s van. This child died of cancer. I understand that there must be immeasurable grief. I cannot imagine what they must be going through. My heart aches for them and screams at the unfairness of it all. We all have to get our grief out somehow.

But posting a picture? I’m all for raising awareness. And this is an unbelievably tragic situation. WE NEED HELP. The picture was powerful but I just wasn’t in a position to see that. I wasn’t mentally ready to see that because it’s my absolute worst fear. Then it made me wonder: how many people truly care? I know when Ben relapsed the first time, many people rallied around and supported my family. But I learned through a friend that someone I considered to be a friend actually stated “We KNOW he has cancer. We’re all kinda tired of hearing about it all the time.” My feelings were hurt and, of course, I never confronted that person to see if that statement was truly how they felt, but I thought that I should be more guarded in what I share. Most people are genuinely interested in knowing how Ben is doing. But I imagine there ARE some people who get overwhelmed with the information I share. It is heartbreaking. And I understand that many people have a lot of other crap going on. But this is my life and how I’m living it. My son has cancer. That consumes nearly every moment of my day – and has for a long time. My writing about it is my outlet. And since Ben has relapsed, I’ve been inundated with friend requests, mostly from concerned people who want to support us and people in the same battle we are. But, in a strange twist of events, I’m not sure I’m ready to be friends with so many people fighting the same battle. My head can’t wrap around the sadness of all these dying children who are losing their battles. It’s not that I don’t care, I just don’t think I can handle any more.

And seeing how I got my feelings hurt when this “friend” told someone else that they were tired of hearing about Ben’s illness, I hate to think I’m hurting someone else’s feelings because I cannot deal with their sadness right now. I guess I should give myself some grace. I can’t fight everyone’s battle. I can only fight the one in front of me.

So, a crusader I’m not. I’m not going to change the world and encourage everyone to get out there and find a cure. I can only focus on the challenge right in front of me. My darling son. I hope you’re with me and along for the journey. I’m sorry it’s all I talk about. Trust me, I’d rather be doing something else myself.

But for now, I’m going to sit on this couch and be totally overwhelmed.