When I was around eight years old, my step sister used rope to tie me to a chair and torture me for hours on end. She would release me just moments before parental guidance showed up and threaten me with bodily harm if I dared tell anyone. If she was willing to tie me in a chair then who knows what she was truly willing to do to me if I happened to tell on her. This happened often. Not daily, but at least once a week for several years. No one seemed to notice. Of course, I wore long sleeved shirts and pants in the summer to hide rope burns, blaming my desire to be fully covered on the fairness of my skin. It’s a lie I’ve been telling myself my whole life.
The interesting thing is, when my mom finally uncovered a journal that described in gory detail all the horrible things she used to do to me, mom confronted me with the writings first. I denied them. I so desperately wanted to tell mom what had been happening but I was so scared of what my step sister would do. I hid in my room while mom confronted her with the journal. I heard them in the hallway discussing it. And what was so interesting was the unflinching way she totally confessed to what she had been doing to me. “Yep! I did that.” She didn’t lie. She didn’t make up a story. She didn’t try to blame me for making her life so difficult that she had no choice but to tie me in a chair because I was that bad. She fully confessed and seemed kinda proud of it.
I admired her lack of cowardice. Because here I was taking it all these years and making excuses as to why I deserved it. I blamed myself for her poor behavior. I let her do those things to me without a fight. I was the epitome of a coward. And it kinda set me up to take everyone else’s bullshit for the rest of my life. I’ve surrounded myself with people who don’t deserve the strength I’ve been hiding for so long. I’ve been giving it to the wrong people for years and they’ve sucked me dry.
I’m done. If you have malicious feelings for me, we’re through. If you enjoy gossiping about me, we’re through. If you’re sick of hearing about my struggles with my sick child, don’t listen. Here’s a news flash: I DON’T NEED YOUR HATE AND I’M THROUGH CATERING TO YOUR MENTAL ILLNESS. Work on yourself. I’ve got my own stuff to do.
I’ve enlisted the help of a handful of people I completely trust to start my life over. No excuses. I can’t change what’s already there, but I’m done with the self-loathing path I’ve been on because I’ve been conditioned to believe that I deserve it. If you don’t wish the absolute best for me then you’re out. I’m not saying I haven’t screwed up and hurt other people. I have. But overall, I’m a pretty awesome person who has a lot of love to offer. And I give it pretty freely until I get to the point where I’ve been hurt too many times.
Let’s all take responsibility for our own actions, shall we?
I probably shouldn’t write when I’m mad. 🙂