Oxymoron

Wouldn’t you know it? I get so few days to sleep in and today I woke at 5 AM after having a terrible dream. The dream was so intense that I shot up out of my sleep, grabbing my chest because I was unable to breathe. While I immediately knew I was safe I couldn’t shake the overwhelming feeling of dread that was coursing through my system. Going back to sleep was just going to teleport me back to the world that had shaken me so violently – and I wasn’t about to do that. So, I had to find another source of comfort. Fortunately, my friend, James, had already challenged me to a game of Song-Pop so I had that going for me. After playing a few rounds and finding some comfort there (even though he kicked my butt), I decided to check Facebook where my friend, Andrea, had a word waiting for me to write about: Oxymoron.

My day started with one. Terrible Dream. Now, I know an oxymoron when I hear one but I don’t think I could rattle a bunch off the top of my head. My original thought was to make a story out of nothing but oxymorons – there are several websites dedicated to making lists of them – so I know I could write something compelling. But given my 30 minute time crunch my story would be about 1/2 a paragraph in length. So, I thought I’d pick out just one. And here’s the one that presented itself to me: Dying to Live.

Maybe I was drawn to it because I’ve been surrounded with some sad stuff lately. A friend of mine just lost his dad. Another friend just learned that her BFF has terminal cancer. Another friend just lost her son to Neuroblastoma. This has all been within the last two weeks. Add to that the stress of a new job. It’s scan time for Ben (and he’s starting a new out-of-state study this coming week). School has started. Rent is due. I have so many projects to complete. My dad called a couple of days ago to tell me he’s getting married on Friday (I’m ultimately very happy about that). And, the bane of my existence: laundry. The list gets longer and longer of stuff I need to do. I feel like I can’t do what I truly want to do with my life… even if I don’t truly know what that is. Hmmm. That thought process feels like a potential oxymoron to me. Or maybe I’m just a moron. 😉

Someone recently asked my son what he wants to be when he grows up. He stated that he didn’t know. I guess he’s getting to the age where he’s putting more thought into it, perhaps the reality of being a firefighter or police officer isn’t as romantic as it used to be? But he did say, “I just want to grow up.” There was something about the simplicity of his statement that touched me. I think we could all learn something from that. I’m NOT saying that we shouldn’t have goals. I’m saying that we should all be flexible. Something like, “Hey. This isn’t working out for me. I think I’ll try something else until I find something that fits.” I’m also not saying that you shouldn’t be loyal because I could easily use my new theory as an out for my failed marriages. “Hey. This didn’t work out for me. I’m going to find someone else.” I knew BOTH times I got married that I was making a mistake. And it’s 100% my fault for not rectifying it before I made the decision to walk down the aisle. I’m just saying that we should be gentle with ourselves. Get back up, brush yourself off, and get on with it already. We should all be dying to live instead of living to die.

Oh, how I wish I came up with that phrase myself, but, alas, it came from a song. Edgar Winter, in fact. So, since my 30 minutes are up, I’ll leave you with the hope of the last verse of “Dying to Live”:

So I’ll keep fighting to live till there’s no reason to fight
And I’ll keep trying to see until the end is in sight
You know I’m trying to give, so c’mon give me a try
You know I’m dying to live until I’m ready to die. 

My dear Andrea, I thought this would flow easier than it did. I wanted to write about something else entirely but I had a constant restraint snaking its way around my thoughts. Evidently, this word invoked something deeper that just isn’t ready to come out. If I could ask you again, please search your heart and come up with another word. It will be the first one that comes to you. And that one will take me where I need to go. I can’t tell you why I know this, I just do. Please give me another word. Thank you, dear, sweet friend. Your encouragement means so very much to me.