Passionate

“Any kind of love without passion ain’t no kind of lovin’ at all.” ~The Eagles

That first electric spark that melds into a soul redeeming kiss that makes you forget the concept of time. Everything stands still yet rushes with great urgency toward the moment you know is coming but can’t bear to face – the moment you have to let go. Trying to memorize the way it feels. Physically. Emotionally. Spiritually. Capturing the scents and sounds. Begging for it to stay forever. Knowing it can’t. At least, not until the next time you’re together.

I believe that I’ve loved as best as I can in my previous relationships but admittedly, it’s been far from perfect. I think the reasoning behind that is that I haven’t been passionate about those I’ve been in serious “committed” relationships with. Except one. And that’s a story I’m currently trying to work through. With the other boys there wasn’t a deep need or desire. There wasn’t the connection. They didn’t win my heart. I’ll be the first to admit that my heart isn’t easily won. My heart has a soft and gooey center but is surrounded by chainmail with a necklace of barbed wire that occasionally has the electric fence engaged. It’s pretty difficult to get through to the good stuff… and beating at it like a pinata will get you nowhere. Unfortunately, I don’t always pick the best boys. That’s my fatal flaw. So, until I can feel secure in knowing that my heart doesn’t need to suit up like it belongs in medieval jousting tournament I guess I’ll just have to muddle through. It’s coming though. I can feel it. Or maybe it’s just gas.

But passion isn’t just about boys. I have many other passions, two of them being my Ben and Madeline. I’m so grateful for my incredible children. We’ve made a “summer of fun” list and are diligently making our way through it. It’s fun to cross things off our white board that we’ve put up. I’m passionate about making this summer one to remember. Plus, there’s so many cool things to do in this state that we haven’t done yet.

I used to be passionate about Colorado. I loved the majestic beauty of the mountains and the peace I felt whenever I was reveling in the glory of the outdoors. Unfortunately, much of that has gone. I don’t know if it’s because the last few years have been so physically and emotionally exhausting or what. I am disappointed. I just don’t feel the peace here that I once did. I think it’s because I’ve been living in so much fear. It’s suffocating, which is ironic because there’s so much wide open space. Maybe we’ll make up someday, but for now, we’re just roommates. We can only co-exist.

This new writing exercise has restored my passion for creating. I love this new format and I love incorporating my friends into my little project. It’s energizing! Passion renewed! I love the 30 minutes I spend on each story so much that I’m always disappointed when it’s over. And I love thinking about the people who are encouraging me along on this journey. I’m reminded that I have so many people who love and care for me. I enjoy thinking about these friends in more than just passing. I think we’ll become more passionate about those we love if we just take a little extra time to be grateful for them. I know I am.

Time’s up!

Andy Felty, for whatever reason I could not get you out of my mind when I was writing about changing the format of my blog. I knew you’d be on my list of people to solicit a word from and this topic was, indeed, extremely challenging. It was so difficult to not edit and re-edit as I was writing. Thirty minutes was definitely not enough. I love that we’ve known each other for eons. I love your confidence and your sense of self. I love that you’ve offered your support over the years. Showing your bravery through similar trials – in your fight with cancer as well as your son’s battle was more helpful than I could ever let you know. Thanks for supplying me with hope and encouraging me to be brave. You ROCK!