Every time I turn on my computer it says that I’m running low on disk space. I’m not quite sure what to purge so I just leave it, knowing that my computer is getting slower and more tired and wishing it could just lie on the couch and watch an Arrested Development marathon. Oh, wait. That’s MY wish.
I’ve been doing a large amount of purging lately, not because I’ve decided to become bulimic, but because I’m getting ready to move. The kiddos and I have just a few days left before moving to an apartment down the street. It’s been challenging going through everything and, I have to admit, I’m overcome with waves of emotion. I’ve found old pictures and memories that have opened the floodgates causing me to cry copious amounts of tears. I found some old journals that expressed issues that I was “scared about”, and interestingly enough, they are the same issues that I’m currently “scared about”. Finding a job. Maintaining healthy children. Living life to its fullest. Seems I’m still not settled on the things that were bugging me a few years ago… when will that change? When will life be a dull, boring, gloriously wonderful NORMAL? I suppose if that were truly the case I would have nothing to write about.
So, in the meantime, I’ll just live each day knowing that I’ll somehow make it through. And that I’ll be better for it eventually. I am proud of myself today… I joined three writer’s groups. All three of them are local so I can take some time out and get to know the industry that I’ve been longing to be a part of. I decided that 2012 is the year I get published. My good friend, Joe, said that 2012 is “THE YEAR OF THE SARAH”. Who am I to say no to that? It’s technically the Year of the Dragon, but I’m totally okay with changing it to the Year of Me. And to be a published writer? That would be awesome. The next step will be to be a “well-received published author”, followed by “National best-selling author”… and so on. I’m looking forward to my new life. It’s gonna rock.
Some of you might be wondering, “Hey! What’s going on with the Bean?” Here’s a quick update: The chemo that Ben received did its job and knocked down his HAMA to a point where we can resume treatment in NYC. The next trip will take place in two weeks. We haven’t been since August so it will be a small challenge getting back into the swing of things.
This will be a bittersweet trip because we just lost another dear friend from the Ronald McDonald House a couple of days ago. Her family lived there for as long as we have been traveling to NYC. Her name was Ashlynn. We did visit with her on our last trip in August. Ben and I went to the Jersey Shore with her and her mother. We played on the beach all day. She was a beautiful, sweet soul and it’s so hard to wrap my head around the concept that they won’t be there when we go back. This has happened way too much over the past year – so many little friends have died. And, unfortunately, there’s always another family ready to take their place. Cancer doesn’t care. It just keeps taking. And while I look forward to meeting new people, this is never the right circumstance. All I can do is be me. Continue to make the bonds with these families. Love them like they love us. Mourn when there’s a loss. Move on as each day begs us to do with the memories that we were so wonderfully given. The lesson of learning to LIVE even when we’re so blatantly faced with death. It’s so not fair. But, unfortunately, even though it is The Year of the Sarah, I cannot change any of it.
The Year of the Sarah should come with a special set of super powers, but, alas, it did not. For now, we just have to live with cancer being a yucky old bastard. Hopefully, eventually, it will run low on disk space. It will grow slow and cluttered and not have the energy to consume any more lives. Especially the kiddos.