Look out, world. Here I come.

So, I just returned from watching the movie “Young Adult” with Charlize Theron. It’s brand new in theaters today and since I love her and I love quirky stuff, I thought this would be an excellent option for spending a night by myself.

Boy, was I wrong. It made me dissolve into a big old mess. Basically, this character is so unhappy with her “life in the big city” that she goes back to her hometown and makes an ass of herself. It was so uncomfortable to watch and while I initially LOVED her character (a diet Coke guzzling, small dog owning, writer) I ended up thinking that even though she had gone through some major trauma/drama with her friends and family, she didn’t take anything at all away from her experience. She was going to go back to the same old life that made her miserable. She was going to remain the same narcissist that she’d always been. The final line in the movie was her narrating “Look out, world. Here I come,” but the expression on her face was – I don’t know – disdain? Disgust? Disappointment? I couldn’t decipher it. It made me so sad.

Why don’t we learn more from our mistakes?

I know that I’ve often wished for a chance to start over. To make things different. I’ve had several moments in my life where I’ve had that very chance but instead of feeling relief and excitement, all I can feel is fear. I feel so small in the face of a new adventure instead of grasping it for the breath of fresh air that it should be.

Oh, I always look back on these “new beginnings” and can nearly always pull out some sort of comedy that will make the pain of change seem less threatening. It’s always easier to look on it in hindsight. But here I am, facing another gigantic change and while I’m trying to grasp it for the new beginning I’d like it to be, I have to admit that I’m scared.

I know everything will be all right. I know that ultimately I’m going to look back on this and find the humor in it – like I always do. But 2011 has been blow after blow in the emotional turmoil department. And I like to think that I’ve learned some things about myself – that I’ll be able to take away some good life lessons from my experiences.

And if not, I’ll be revisiting this post somewhere down the line.

But in the meantime, Look out, world. Here I come. And I’m saying this not with disdain. Or disgust. Or disappointment.

But with determination.