I’ve got nothing in the sacrifice department that could even begin to touch what Christ did for me on that cross. Yes. I’m a believer. I’m a big believer. And I think I’d forgotten that until just recently.
I don’t just write on this blog, I keep a journal also. And, if you can believe it, I’m more open in my journaling than I am here on my blog. There are things I have in my head and on my heart that aren’t fit for public consumption – that, plus a lot of expletives, which are completely unnecessary in such a public forum. I guess I save my anger for my journaling. It’s very cathartic for me to scribble out my anger on paper. That way – if I want to – I can have the satisfaction of physically shredding it when I’m done.
I’ve been so mad with God. I have been for well over a year. I was on such a positive and enlightening path, felt at home at church, was active in Bible Study Fellowship (co-leading a preschool class), and just taking time every day to be in God’s word. Then there was trouble at home. Trouble with family. Trouble with Ben succeeding in school. I just got so tired and confused. The activities I had been involved with (childhood cancer support groups, camps for kids with cancer, preschool board, leading bible studies) imploded. I’m sure my mental state caused a lot of it, but the external factors certainly didn’t help any. I was pulled in so many directions and by people I can only describe as bullies. They wanted it their way or no way. It became too tedious. And I stopped talking with God.
So, I quit most things I was involved with because of the pressure. I didn’t feel comfortable anymore. I knew I wasn’t making a difference anywhere. And then Ben relapsed. My anger skyrocketed. What was the point of anything? Why should I care about God? He didn’t care about me… he certainly didn’t care about my beautiful seven-year-old son. And to sit there, with Ben on my lap, and have to explain to him that his cancer had returned and answer his question of “Am I going to die?”… what kind of God would put a child through that?
One that watched His own child suffer and eventually die, knowing it would all work out for a greater good. A supreme sacrifice.
Please do not think that I’m comparing Ben with Christ. All I know is my life and how it pertains to me. And it’s been painful. It’s been hard. It’s been debilitating at times. But there’s a lot of beauty to it, too. And the fact that I’ve made it through so many storms only to remain standing in HIS presence (even after taking a break while I worked through my mad) well, I’ll keep walking with Him. He made the supreme sacrifice for me. For Ben. For you. For all of us.
Things don’t always work out the way we want them to. In fact, that’s rarely the case. And really, if you truly think about it, it’s always for a greater good. And He can take it when we’re mad with Him. He loves us just the same.