It’s “National Battery” Day

Seriously. Where would we be without batteries? Batteries make the world go ’round… at least until they wear out.

My batteries need a recharge. Unfortunately, rechargeable batteries were not available when I was born, so I’m stuck with having to replace them every so often. Mine are currently all corroded and stuck together, acid dripping out of them, forming toxic icicles in my soul.

Man. Am I dramatic, or what?

Really though. Madeline woke up last night around 2:30 AM with what seemed to be the start of a urinary tract infection. She did have chronic issues about a year ago but she’d been infection-free for quite some time. I, too, had the same issue when I was six years old. Just ask anyone who was in The Evil Mrs. Sutherland’s first grade class at Kirkersville Elementary… EVERYONE remembers that I peed on the classroom floor because The Evil Mrs. S wouldn’t let me go to the bathroom. That woman should have NEVER been a teacher. Clearly, I’m still struggling with the trauma she induced. My mom said, “Don’t worry. Nobody will ever remember.” And then, years later, long after we had graduated, my dear friend, Holly Crawford, said “Hey! Remember when you peed in Mrs. Sutherland’s class?” I told her I didn’t remember. And then I went upstairs and got out my old voodoo doll I had created in Mrs. Sutherland’s likeness and proceeded to poke the Old Bat in the eye. I’m sure she’s passed on to whichever side she was going to by now – she was “way old” back in ’73 – but the ceremonial eye poking made ME feel better even if it had no effect on the original Evil Mrs. Sutherland.

Don’t you just love my diatribes?

So, Madeline was up every three seconds last night, which was taxing on my already tired soul. I had taken a sleep aid (no longer taking Ambien because of its ability to make me eat an entire box of Little Debbie’s without my knowing it – why have all those calories if I’m not going to remember enjoying them?). Madeline is the kind of kiddo who doesn’t like to be alone so each time she got up I went in to the bathroom with her. One of her sessions lasted 45 minutes, which meant that I was sitting up against the bathroom wall trying hard not to fall asleep only to occasionally smack my head against the wall when I drifted off. Good times. She finally fell asleep around 5 AM and slept soundly for quite a while, and today she seems to be doing okay. Hopefully this was just a temporary thing. Matt worked from home this morning and let me sleep in. So, I slept until 11:30 (thank you, Matt).

But now that I’m awake I’m reminded that my batteries are running out. My head is throbbing. I’m speaking like a record on 33 1/3 rpm. My movements are jerky. I don’t work when my switch is in the “on” position. My screen always says “PC Load Letter” (movie reference). In short, I need a recharge.

Maybe I’m wrong about what today’s holiday is all about? Maybe today is about beating, as in “assault and battery”. I wasn’t aware of this, but in some jurisdictions, “assault” is the VERBAL threat of violence and “battery” is the PHYSICAL act of violence. I was always under the impression that assault and battery were both physical, thus being chronically confused as to why the two were always conjoined. I thought that maybe adding “battery” was a layering of something more heinous. Something medieval. Like:

Ren dude 1: “After I assault thee, I shall batter you about the neck and head with me mace and flail.”

Ren dude 2: “I cry your mercy, Good sir.”

Ren dude 1: “Then make your leave, you plague-sore! You boil!”

Ren dude 2: “Huzzah! I must away!”

Ren dude 1 (to self): “Me thinks I shall batter that heir of a mongrel wench on the morrow.”

Fade out. Curtain.

Clearly, I’m working on minimal battery power here, so I’m off to find some caffeine. Or hook myself up to my Sears DieHard. Maybe I just didn’t calculate what sort of Cold Cranking Amps I’d need when I moved to Colorado? Maybe I just need to upgrade to a higher voltage? Or will the good, old-fashioned jump start suffice? I can never remember positive versus negative terminals, which might result in my exploding rather than just starting, and that would NOT be good.

So, whichever battery you feel like celebrating today, please have fun, be careful, and don’t land yourself in jail. And whatever you do, do NOT think that batteries are an acceptable gift. Buying your kids a battery operated toy does not dictate that the batteries needed to operate said gift should be wrapped separately. They are ONE UNIT! A child who unwraps a pack of batteries will be severely disappointed and might batter you about the neck and head with their mace and flail that Auntie Sarah bought for them from the following website:

Now you understand why I bought you that chainmail outfit.

More on the morrow. 🙂

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